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Thursday, March 09, 2006

Walking different paths

When you're young, there's no instructions outlined on how to cope with walking different paths with a heavy heart. There is no magic method. There is no sure-fire plan for how to face difficult differences. Lately I've been trying to find mine and it's been hard.

We are all handed a very individual life. Each of us has our own past, present and future that will never be like anyone else's. How we react to what we encounter is based on many different factors: our previous experiences both positive and negative, the impact of influential people that we share our lives with, our deeply rooted gut feelings, our moral compass, and our social eptitude or, conversly, ineptitude.

The depth to which we are affected by the actions and choices of others is as individual as the affected. As much as we'd like to think that what other people do, have, choose has no bearing on what happens to us, in truth, that is unrealistic.

Here at Hero's, there's a lot going on in the background that is having tremendous impact on my core. All of it beyond my control yet soaking deep into some painful places that, in spite of all my efforts, feels impossibly personal. I've always believed that what happens to others that can't or doesn't happen for me has no bearing on the joyfulness that I feel for the fortunate. I believed myself to be realistic. I believed myself to be the cheerleader. Hooray for you! Great job! Awesome! I'm not woeful. I'm not a victim. I'm not ungrateful.

I don't want anyone's pity for my cards because I honestly believe that my cards are just DIFFERENT cards, not better or worse. We have all got cards that are hard to play out. Choose your poison, you've got them. Even if you've never shared your difficult cards with anyone else, they're there.

A couple of my difficult cards have moved to the top of the deck lately and amid all the busy-ness of my life, I'm trying to keep it all in perspective. The last thing I want is for someone I love to not know or feel from me that I'm anything but overjoyed for them. I genuinely am. Deep into the place where the pain lies is the joy. They come hand-in-hand.

Where I struggle is in the description of what I'm feeling with the joy. Disappointment? No. Regret? Definitely not. Entitlement? Never. Short-changed? Maybe a little. Given the raw deal? Possibly.

I want to blame someone. I want the ability to have my pain directed AT someone. I want someone to see my wounds and acknowlege that they caused them. I want an apology. I want things made right.

That person doesn't exist.

The balance is in the coping. Something they don't teach you when you're young. Sure, they teach you how to cope with sharing your favorite toy, losing the game, not getting the promotion. Small ticket items my friends.

The head count will be no less than 8 when all is said and done. No. Less. Than. Eight.

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3 Rescued:

At 3:33 AM, Blogger *** hunzer *** said...

I love you girl. xoxo

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Liz said...

This really hit home with me. Sometimes the cards we are dealt really suck, but we have to bear our crosses. I just thank God that there are so many joyful moments. It does make those sucky cards easier to bear. Usually. HUGS!

At 8:58 AM, Blogger MsThang said...

HOney I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes with new unexpected cards comes something greater than ever expected, sometimes it doesn't. But they are your cards and we must learn to deal with everything in our own ways.


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