What is it about us that allows us to turn self-improvement into selfishness in our own guilt-ridden minds so quickly? It's amazing to me, really, the lightening speed in which a wonderful thought can turn so dark, so fast.
Case in point: Three weeks ago, I joined Curves. I had to, I'm huge. Everything is huge: my face and neck, my arms, my belly, my ass. Everything except my legs. My legs don't look like they belong on my body. They look so disproportionate to the rest of my huge self that they are the only aspect of my body that give me hope actually.
I'm huge so I joined Curves. In joining, I preplanned when I'd be going for my workouts each day that would be of the minimum inconvenience to Tall Boy and Bam-Bam. See, Tall Boy drives tractor trailer for a distribution company and his delivery area is all of New England. On Monday afternoons he leaves and goes so far north into Maine that sometimes his cell service is connecting through Nova Scotia, Canada. He returns from that trip mid-morning Wednesday. We get a few hours with him then he heads back out Wednesday afternoon and does two runs, one to Connecticut and one in our area here in NH, then returns home Friday afternoons.
Bam-Bam, being three, has preschool Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 8:45-11:15 but other than that, he's with me. All. The. Time.
My plan was to go on Monday mornings when Tall Boy was home and not quite awake yet and while Bam-Bam is still in the wake up zone and not much work. Tuesday's I'd go when Bam-Bam is at school. Wednesdays Tall Boy is home mid-day so I'd scoot out then. Thursdays school. Fridays I was planning on dropping Bam-Bam off at Tall Boy's parents (they live between here and Curves) then go again Saturday mornings when Tall Boy is home again.
This week is school vacation and today, Thursday, was the first day I was able to get my workout in. I did hop on the elliptical for 15 minutes on Monday and Tuesday but I don't like the elliptical yet, because I'm huge, so those workouts were actually annoying to me instead of encouraging. On top of that Tall Boy took an extra run Wednesday morning and didn't come home yesterday (no workout at all yesterday) to get us some extra cash for my upcoming solo trip to Phoenix to see U2. GT (guilt trip) #1. He's also taking an extra run Friday night into Saturday for even more cash. GT #2.
Which leads me to today. Tall Boy was able to come home for a few hours and once he came in and exchanged pleasantries, I told him I needed to go work out. He hesitated a bit, because he missed us and he was home to see us, but told me to go. GT#3.
When I got in the car I felt horrible. Here he is working his ass of for something for me and I'm taking off to go workout.
But I'm huge. So I have to. So I did.
And I feel....guilty.