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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Wash Away My Iniquities

I awoke this morning with the boon of a thunderstorm barreling toward the house. The morning was clouded over so dark I had to put the kitchen light on to get Bam-Bam his cereal. I wandered around the house for several minutes trying to wake as the rain began to fall.

Each clap of lightning rang as if from the anger inside me.
Each roll of thunder, the deep sadness.

I've been a timebomb lately and last night I exploded on TallBoy on the phone, while he was driving. He said I've been the way for a while now and he's been trying to listen, trying to let me do whatever it is I need to do, trying to understand but I just kept screaming that it wasn't enough. All I keep hearing is that I don't need to feel the way I'm feeling. That's not what he means, that's what I hear.

I'm angry and I can't quite figure out why.
I'm stressed and I completely know why but the reasons all seem bigger than they need to.
I'm sad and I know why for that too.
I'm tired and yet unable to sleep.

I cannot keep going like this. I'm hurting myself and TallBoy and that's the last thing I want or need. I need my head to quiet. I need my heart to heal. I need to sleep. I need to be held. I need to cry some more.

I've figured out that my tough-girl exterior has a hairline fracture and the insides of me have begun to pour out. TallBoy has no idea how to pool them up and save them before they float away.

Somebody pass the bondo please?

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4 Rescued:

At 12:28 PM, Blogger DoodlebugsMama said...

Aw, girl, sending all the (((((((HUGS))))))) I can muster. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

You're in my prayers, sweetie. Love you.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger *** hunzer *** said...

I don't know what a bondo is but if it has to do with altering your brain cells, I'll pass it. :)

I hope today is better for you hun. I'm sending you all the positive energy I can muster. *MUAH*

At 2:57 AM, Blogger lachen said...

*Bondo is crazy glue's long lost cousin, right?*

It seems so natural right now to openly MOURN. Out loud. Like a rainstorm, it will come as it will come, sometimes strong enough to shake the windows, and other times - misting lightly and casting a pall over everything.

I wish there were something I could do or say that would make this process somehow better, somehow less painful, less confusing, less raw for you.

God bless you both right now as you take this uneven journey of fresh steps in the first days since your shared loss.

I love you.

At 1:27 AM, Blogger dont eat token said...

Aw Hero, I'm completely in the dark (as in that storm) but I do hope the light and goodness is soon to abound in your life!


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