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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

and a day


You're officially four years and a day. People have a saying that goes something like "blah blah blah forever and a day". What's so incredibly cool about being four is that you already think that the few days you remember have already been forever. You still don't grasp what forever and a day even means. When I think back on our struggle to have you wrought with all the injections, blood draws, tears, fears and pain, it seemed like it took forever. Now it seems like a forever ago. I'm so incredibly thankful for that. I'm thankful that now I don't have to feel those things anymore. That I can look at you and know that I have been given a gift beyond value. God has given me to you to be your mommy. He's trusted me to take care of you and guide you and love you like no other person ever will.

Before you came along, I thought I had it all figured out. That's why we decided to start trying to have a baby. Daddy and I were successful at our jobs, secure, confident in what we had and where we were headed. We had all the tools we needed to add a baby to the mix. Then, once we started trying, we learned that the road to get there was going to be muddled and that there was a tremendous possibility that the treatments weren't going to work. At one point we even took a "time out" and redirected our attention toward buying our home because it was at least something, anything, that no one could prevent us from having. After we moved in though, it seemed so big and empty and we just kept thinking: What is all this for if we don't have someone to share it with?

So we hopped back on the treatment wagon and prayed and prayed and prayed like we hadn't before. Just a couple months later, we learned that we were going to be blessed with you.

I was overjoyed and terrified all at once. What if I had it all wrong? What if we didn't have what it took? What if we didn't make enough money, have enough time, have enough knowlege or ability to bring a little baby into our world? There was obviously no turning back but I remember being so incredibly scared.

You bound into the world at 6:11am on a Wednesday and everything that I believed about myself and my world changed forever. All those things that we had lined up, material things that I thought were the markers that determined that we were ready to have a baby no longer mattered. We realized that it's not about the money in the bank (or the lack thereof now) or the cars we drive or the kind of house we live in that matters. It's your happiness, your giggles, your tears, your joys, your achievements. The system of measurement has shifted forever and for that I will be thankful, forever and a day. Your are the the marker by which I measure my life now.

I love you sweet boy. Who loves you more than me?

I See Me Travis Tritt

How he got that GI Joe in the church this morning,
I don't know but he ain't listening to the preacher,
Like his mama taught him to.
She's wanting me to cross the aisle,
Go, sit over there with him awhile,
Make him turn around and sit up straight,
Stop playing in the pew.
To watch him is all that I can do.

'Cause I look at him and I see a boy,
An' I see trouble and I see joy.
See innocence and headstrong,
And a heart full of dreams.
An' I look at him and I'm so amazed:
I'm so proud and then so afraid,
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree.
Yeah, I look at him and I see me.

Already says, when he grows up,
He's gonna have a big ol' truck,
An' I can see him getting stuck on some private property.
He'll take chances, he'll take dare's,
And keep his Momma and me scared to death.
When he goes out at night,
You know, I'll bet we'll never sleep.
I guess I get what my Dad got from me.

Cause' I look at him and I see a teen,
Havin' fun doing stupid things.
I see roadblocks, I see mistakes:
I see heartbreak he can't see.
I look at him an' I'm so amazed:
I'm so proud and then so afraid,
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree.
Oh, I look at him and I see me.

I look at him and I see me,
Breakin' down one day,
As he packs up all his things,
To move away.

I look at him an' I'm so amazed:
I'm so proud and then so afraid,
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree.
Yeah, I look at him and I see me.

2 Rescued:

At 3:22 AM, Blogger Cherry Moon said...

Ok, I'm officially in tears. That was just beautiful.

At 8:36 PM, Blogger IA said...

tough break kid, life sucks from now on.


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