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Monday, August 21, 2006

Like a freight train bearing down on me

Next Tuesday Bam-Bam starts kindergarten.

My mouth is salivating with the gag that keeps recurring at the thought of it all. Riding the bus (hurl), trading lunch items, learning that all kids aren't always nice, possibly being bullied, having someone else tend to school yard injuries, AAAHHHHH STOP THE MADNESS!!

I distinctly remember the day when he was a mere six weeks old when I handed him over to Nana and flew off to work totally confident in the knowlege that someone else was going to care for and know my child more than I did. Back then, in my post-partum depressed haze, none of that phased me. I was totally cool with being a full-time working, part time mommy kind of gal. And, heck, I had secured a fantastic arrangement for us. His babysitter was a woman I'd known since I was 12, had considered a mom to me, and he was going to get one-on-one care. Awesome.

But, now? Now that the one-on-one care has been from ME directly for almost three years, the panic has set in. What if the few "little boy" things about him disappear? What if the other kids don't "get" his kindness, his wanting to be accepted, his easy-going way? What if his teacher forgets that he gets scared at loud noises and he gets lost in the shuffle during the fire drill? Or they aren't able to guide him out of other kid's personal space (something I've been trying to work on with him)? Or if he spends a whole day acting like a dog?

I want him to grow and learn and make all kinds of friends. I want him to be confident in his surroundings and learn to trust that the world is, for the most part, a safe place. I want him to expand his interests, try new things, have new experiences to come home and tell me about.

But at the same time, it makes me sad to know that I won't be able to see all those things happening for him first hand. It makes me sad to think that the world isn't fool-proof safe and that anyone he comes in contact with between the bus pick-up and the bus-drop off could harm him and it's just so hard to explain the threat without making him afraid.

The balance there makes me anxious yet, I don't want to pass that fearful anxiety on to him either. I don't want to rain on his parade. I WANT to be excited for him and with him. I do, I really do.

But, I want to stop time too.


3 Rescued:

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Nessa said...

{{HUGS}} They just grow up way too fast dont they? It will be ok though. I think that it is harder on us then them. LOL

At 1:46 AM, Blogger dont eat token said...

Awww. If I ever have kids this is exactly how I imagine I'll feel.

I got an automatic pet feeder for my cat b/c she would freak out hours before dinner time. Now the tantrums are waning. But also, I feel a little at a loss b/c I'm not the one feeding her anymore.

Awww. You'll all survive and grow and be happy!

At 3:29 PM, Blogger lachen said...

Very, very well put.

I think there are two kinds of Mommies out there - ones who rejoice at this moment and ones who put on a brave face, try our earnest to not allow our own conflict, angst, and emotions to bleed into our children's experience of the phenomenon, and then go home and choke down sobs.

I find myself nodding my head as I read this, knowing full well I will be facing the same music one day later with my own baby-who-is-surely-too-old-to-be-in-kindergarten.


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