Walking hand in hand

As we started into the store from the car, I took his little hand in mine and told him that I love him.

"I know mom, I can feel it coming through your hand".

Quote from 7:15 this morning

"Mom, when I'm getting on the bus, I try really hard not to cry because of how much I'm going to miss you while I'm at school." - Bam-Bam, 5 years old.

For the second time in as many weeks

I've been brought to tears looking out my front window.

Bam-Bam has been struggling, a lot, by not having anyone to play with here at home. It's been a long time since Songbird and the boys were here but lately its been blaringly evident that Bam-Bam is without someone to share time and toys with.

For me it's just another reminder of my infertility.

The situations that brought on the tear-jerking were similar. Two little girls, under, say, 10 years of age, walking down the road toward home. Bam-Bam was outside, the first time playing alone and today playing catch with daddy, and he asked them to join him on his new groovy swingset.

Both times the girls kept going on home.

Both times my boy stood, stoic, in the middle of the yard waiting for their return.

My heart just aches at the scene.

I promised him that I'd ask the parents at the bus stop for some phone numbers so that we can make some calls for visits on days like today. Days when his "only-childness" screams unfair. When neither TallBoy or the dogs are enough. When his toys lose their luster. When all he wants is someone to chat with, laugh with, share with.

I'm gonna get those phone numbers tomorrow. For him. And for my broken heart.

And, he's off

Dead Horse

Since tomorrow is, well, tomorrow and since getting medicated has been mentioned here in Hero's Abode at least once in the last week, I'm gonna beat it...

Will he remember that I spent over an hour mixing, baking, frosting and decorating strawberry cupcakes in heart-shaped tins for his first day?

Will he remember that I spent 6 hours and went through two print cartridges trying to print a picture of he and daddy and one of he and mommy to go into his lunch box, just in case he gets insecure or sad?

Will he remember that he only wore his sneakers on Mondays all summer and that his feet were dirty all day every day AND had grown two and a half (from a 12 1/2 to a 2) sizes?

Will he remember that the night before school started I sat in the driveway trying to inflate the tires on his bike, that we had his favorite, pancakes, for dinner or that I got choked up reading The Kissing Hand again?

Will he remember that I was the one that trimmed his hair using the clippers?

Will he remember that we didn't really get to go school shopping because we really don't have the money?

Will he be strong enough to not be influenced by A-Rod, his tablemate, but instead help A-Rod to be a kinder, gentler kind of soul like he is?

Will he remember that he rides the "brown" bus, that we live on Blankshore Drive and, if they can't reach me, they can call Grammy and Papa and they'll be there in a flash too?

Will he remember that it took all of my willpower not to follow the bus all the way to school?

Will he remember that I panicked at the thought of oversleeping or sleeping through the alarm clock and he'd miss said bus and/or be late for his most exciting day?

Will he remember that we sat together in the green recliner and watched Charlotte's Web on HBO only up to the point where she writes "Some Pig" in the web because I wanted him in bed early?

Will he remember that Grammy Honda called him and told him she hopes he has just the best time at school?

Will he remember the giggle fit he had in Walmart yesterday and how the woman passing by us told me to foster that and never squelch it, as if I ever have?

Will he remember what it was like to be home with me all day every day, just the two of us?

Will I?

Will I be replaced by kids named Dylan or Jacob?

Will I miss him so terribly that I drive by school several times throughout the day hoping to catch a glimpse of him at recess?

Will I ever be able to convince people that I'm not nearly this neurotic, that I have friends and a life and stuff but this, this THING called school has me frozen with sadness?

Will my credibility ever recover from confessing this all for the world to see?

Like a freight train bearing down on me

Next Tuesday Bam-Bam starts kindergarten.

My mouth is salivating with the gag that keeps recurring at the thought of it all. Riding the bus (hurl), trading lunch items, learning that all kids aren't always nice, possibly being bullied, having someone else tend to school yard injuries, AAAHHHHH STOP THE MADNESS!!

I distinctly remember the day when he was a mere six weeks old when I handed him over to Nana and flew off to work totally confident in the knowlege that someone else was going to care for and know my child more than I did. Back then, in my post-partum depressed haze, none of that phased me. I was totally cool with being a full-time working, part time mommy kind of gal. And, heck, I had secured a fantastic arrangement for us. His babysitter was a woman I'd known since I was 12, had considered a mom to me, and he was going to get one-on-one care. Awesome.

But, now? Now that the one-on-one care has been from ME directly for almost three years, the panic has set in. What if the few "little boy" things about him disappear? What if the other kids don't "get" his kindness, his wanting to be accepted, his easy-going way? What if his teacher forgets that he gets scared at loud noises and he gets lost in the shuffle during the fire drill? Or they aren't able to guide him out of other kid's personal space (something I've been trying to work on with him)? Or if he spends a whole day acting like a dog?

I want him to grow and learn and make all kinds of friends. I want him to be confident in his surroundings and learn to trust that the world is, for the most part, a safe place. I want him to expand his interests, try new things, have new experiences to come home and tell me about.

But at the same time, it makes me sad to know that I won't be able to see all those things happening for him first hand. It makes me sad to think that the world isn't fool-proof safe and that anyone he comes in contact with between the bus pick-up and the bus-drop off could harm him and it's just so hard to explain the threat without making him afraid.

The balance there makes me anxious yet, I don't want to pass that fearful anxiety on to him either. I don't want to rain on his parade. I WANT to be excited for him and with him. I do, I really do.

But, I want to stop time too.

Man, where has the time gone?

I haven't been around since the end of March. The. End. Of. March. That's a long time for someone that, at one point, was updating at least daily.

There are all kinds of things developing here in Hero's land. Things that will be unveiled soon, I hope. But, just to recap:

++I've been building my business and it will hopefully be taking off really soon. It's about to take off, really, can you feel it? I can feel it and it feels so awesome.

++I've been traveling again, as I seem to do in April [I know the referring post was written in February but the trip was in April]. I spent several days in the middle of April in St. Louis, MO with 18,000 other beautiful people being inspired.

**NOTE: If you ever have the chance to hear Eric Weihenmayer, GO! RUN! Pay whatever the charge is and listen to him speak. He's a life-changer he is.**

++Bam-Bam turned 5 this week. FIVE! O.M.G. Where has his life gone? In no time he'll be heading off to kindergarten then college and I'll be old and have to stop coloring my gray hair and BE old...ugh. I'm not ready. I'm young! I feel young! Ok, I'm not young really, I'm 36 but I don't ACT young, does that count?

++We're getting ready to open camp again and that's exciting. I hope that the cough I've developed, I think from allergies, settles down before we head up there because the annual "opening-camp-mold" is going to knock me on my butt if my lungs haven't cleared.

++Bam-Bam is also going to do soccer through the summer on Monday nights. I only agreed because it's only on Monday's for an hour. I have proclaimed before here in Hero's land that I don't do sports activities because, well, I like living on my own schedule. But, since he's starting kindergarten here in town in September, I thought it would be good for him to get to know some of the townies his age so the first day isn't so intimidating. And, I was guilted into it by the mom of the only other kid in town that attends preschool with him. I'm a loser, I know.

++Bam is also still in Tae Kwon Do and in March I joined too. I'm about to test for yellow belt (if I can learn and recite the definition of chon ji by next weekend). Bam-Bam is a high white belt and will be testing for yellow in September. Exciting!

++Tall Boy has reshaved his head in preparation for summer. This year it seems to be coupled with a goatee as well. I'm not sure I'm a fan and I've told him as much but like me and my hairstyles, I have no vote on what he does with his facial hair. It's fair, I guess.



I think that's all for now kids. Thanks for coming back. I'm gonna do my best to keep updating.