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Monday, May 30, 2005

Totally Un-PC

I know that what I'm about to say goes against all the laws, rules and physics behind competative sports but I really wish that Jimmie Johnson had let Bobby Labonte win last night.

Just 'cause.

Just 'cause he could have. Just 'cause he should have. Just 'cause Bobby Labonte is a class act and going into this race was 31st in points and Jimmie is first in points. Just 'cause letting him win wouldn't have changed the fact that Jimmie was still in first. Just 'cause Bobby could really use the boost a win would give him.

Just 'cause!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

And a hush fell on to the crowd

I have no idea what is going on with me but lately I've felt the need to just be quiet. I haven't been returning many phone calls or e-mails. Those I have been connecting with have been getting the bare minumum. I got an e-mail from an old friend today that simply reads:

Why is it so hard to get you to email or call me back?

I don't even know what to tell him in answer. It's not hard to answer or call back. I just haven't. And it's not that I'm pissed at him or have been hurt by him or even that I'm intentionally avoiding him. I just haven't called or replied. I know he needs my friendship and caring right now. I know that he's struggling with some things in his own personal life and that as a long time friend I should automatically feel compelled to reach out to him. But I don't.

There are a lot of things going on in my life with people I love that have brought me to my knees lately. He's fairly far away and has lost his job. My sister has been having the worst of relationship luck and survived having her ex-husband get her vehicle repossessed. Another far away friend is starting to find their way through life after a diagnosis of bipolar disease. And, just today, my aunt had lymph nodes in her arm biopsied for lymphoma. It's not really an understatement to say that I've felt immobile, physically and emotionally, and unable to feel enough to be of any support. As best I can put my finger on the issue directly, it's as if I'm watching those around me that I love deeply from inside a glass box. Like their situations are so big, that I can't even make a first move.

Yet even before any of these tough situations started brewing, I felt a quiet come over me. I haven't been able to wrap my brain around why either. It feels as if I'm waiting. Waiting for something big or small or nothing at all. Waiting for instruction. Waiting for something of profound meaning to be said that will charge me to action. Waiting for my greatness to begin.

My greatness?

Isn't it true that we are all born destined for greatness? That we've all had a path laid out in front of us that will lead us to greatness if we just take the steps each day in our words and actions? That the only thing standing in the way of greatness, mediocrity or worse is in the decisions we make in the what we do and how we treat others every day?

If that is the case, I'm left to ask myself in echo of the question presented by my friend: What direction have the decisions I've made recently and the inaction I've been frozen in taken me?

Guess it's time to unstick myself and find out.

Monday, May 16, 2005

The humor is just LOST on me

Focus on the index finger on your dominant hand for a moment and imagine that it is unable to click the select button on your mouse. Your finger is there and you know that it's supposed to be able to click that foolish little button but no matter what you do it doesn't. You go to the doctor and put your finger through extensive poking, prodding and medication and you get it to click that button ONCE. Just once.

You LOVED the website that resulted in that one click and you were sure that you'd be happy enough for the rest of your life having visited that one site that one time. So you dragged yourself to a sort of pseudoacceptance that you'd live the rest of your life without your finger clicking on any other websites, ever.

Now imagine several years later and your finger twitches a little bit. It moves, say, from side to side but not up and down.

Suddenly you have hope. You think that maybe the prognosis for your finger isn't quite what they told you it was. You've exercised it, been feeding it the right foods for a little while and it's been brought to life a little bit.

Immediately your brain starts to dream of the websites you might be able to get to now that your finger is flinching. Yet, the flinching doesn't necessarily mean anything concrete right? It doesn't mean you really can move it up and down, clicking away on different addresses?

Hope in it's most destructive state.

My uterus is your index finger. It has flinched. My mind has been racing with irrational thoughts: If I keep losing weight, will that fix it? If I keep exercising, with that fix it? If I keep eating the right foods, taking the right supplements, saying the right prayers, keep going to church, will ANY of that fix it?

My uterus flinched and that doesn't mean jack shit.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

and a day


You're officially four years and a day. People have a saying that goes something like "blah blah blah forever and a day". What's so incredibly cool about being four is that you already think that the few days you remember have already been forever. You still don't grasp what forever and a day even means. When I think back on our struggle to have you wrought with all the injections, blood draws, tears, fears and pain, it seemed like it took forever. Now it seems like a forever ago. I'm so incredibly thankful for that. I'm thankful that now I don't have to feel those things anymore. That I can look at you and know that I have been given a gift beyond value. God has given me to you to be your mommy. He's trusted me to take care of you and guide you and love you like no other person ever will.

Before you came along, I thought I had it all figured out. That's why we decided to start trying to have a baby. Daddy and I were successful at our jobs, secure, confident in what we had and where we were headed. We had all the tools we needed to add a baby to the mix. Then, once we started trying, we learned that the road to get there was going to be muddled and that there was a tremendous possibility that the treatments weren't going to work. At one point we even took a "time out" and redirected our attention toward buying our home because it was at least something, anything, that no one could prevent us from having. After we moved in though, it seemed so big and empty and we just kept thinking: What is all this for if we don't have someone to share it with?

So we hopped back on the treatment wagon and prayed and prayed and prayed like we hadn't before. Just a couple months later, we learned that we were going to be blessed with you.

I was overjoyed and terrified all at once. What if I had it all wrong? What if we didn't have what it took? What if we didn't make enough money, have enough time, have enough knowlege or ability to bring a little baby into our world? There was obviously no turning back but I remember being so incredibly scared.

You bound into the world at 6:11am on a Wednesday and everything that I believed about myself and my world changed forever. All those things that we had lined up, material things that I thought were the markers that determined that we were ready to have a baby no longer mattered. We realized that it's not about the money in the bank (or the lack thereof now) or the cars we drive or the kind of house we live in that matters. It's your happiness, your giggles, your tears, your joys, your achievements. The system of measurement has shifted forever and for that I will be thankful, forever and a day. Your are the the marker by which I measure my life now.

I love you sweet boy. Who loves you more than me?

I See Me Travis Tritt

How he got that GI Joe in the church this morning,
I don't know but he ain't listening to the preacher,
Like his mama taught him to.
She's wanting me to cross the aisle,
Go, sit over there with him awhile,
Make him turn around and sit up straight,
Stop playing in the pew.
To watch him is all that I can do.

'Cause I look at him and I see a boy,
An' I see trouble and I see joy.
See innocence and headstrong,
And a heart full of dreams.
An' I look at him and I'm so amazed:
I'm so proud and then so afraid,
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree.
Yeah, I look at him and I see me.

Already says, when he grows up,
He's gonna have a big ol' truck,
An' I can see him getting stuck on some private property.
He'll take chances, he'll take dare's,
And keep his Momma and me scared to death.
When he goes out at night,
You know, I'll bet we'll never sleep.
I guess I get what my Dad got from me.

Cause' I look at him and I see a teen,
Havin' fun doing stupid things.
I see roadblocks, I see mistakes:
I see heartbreak he can't see.
I look at him an' I'm so amazed:
I'm so proud and then so afraid,
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree.
Oh, I look at him and I see me.

I look at him and I see me,
Breakin' down one day,
As he packs up all his things,
To move away.

I look at him an' I'm so amazed:
I'm so proud and then so afraid,
That the apple didn't fall quite far enough from the tree.
Yeah, I look at him and I see me.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Song of the Week

Call The Man

Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall

Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he can mend
This broken heart of mine
Shine a light ahead
Now the future isn't clear
Call the man
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here
He's needed here
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here

Right here right now

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

You want fries with that?

What is it about the McDonalds that they can never get my order right? I don't mean to sound condescending, I really don't, but c'mon it's not rocket science....at least not the last time I checked. I want my Filet-O-Fish with just a fried patty of fish topped with ketchup. No cheese. No tartar sauce. No nothing. Just fish and ketchup between the bun. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT?

In one of my previous lives I worked full-time for a major grocery chain. I started out as a "bagger", moved to cashier, then shiftleader, department trainer, traveling trainer, service desk, bookkeeping office, pharmacy....I was actually training to be a department manager when I left the company. None of it was rocket science either. I never claimed it was. But providing superior customer service (i.e. meeting our customer's basic needs with accuracy and a smile) was the utmost priority. I never told off the smelly old lady that rode around in the mart cart screaming at everyone for the full hour she took to shop. I never asked the man with OCD to shove it when he practically crawled over my back to make sure I put everything into the bag "just so". I didn't because it's not rocket science, people knew it wasn't rocket science and the only thing they asked was that I did whatever it was I was doing correctly.

I need to go work for McDonalds I think. I think they need me as a manager there. No, even better, I need to be a line trainer. Or at the very least a consultant to all the new hires on how to enter in the order as it is read over the drive-thru speaker as well as teaching the preparers how to read the display and have the end result really be what the customer has asked for.

And, for those of you following along, yes, I did eat at McDonalds. My meal totaled more than my daily points allowance by 3 points and I did in fact eat a 5 point breakfast. My total for the day is somewhere in the ballpark of 32 points. That's 8 more than I'm allowed. But I didn't eat lunch because I was running around so by the time we made it to dinner, I needed that 27 points. Call the Cult. Report me. I don't care. I hadn't eaten at the Devil in over a month and a half. I earned it. Unfortunately, I only half enjoyed my blessed Filet because THEY PUT CHEESE ON IT!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Reading Material

Tall Boy won't tell you that he's jealous but he is. I only have a few talents that I can honestly say that he's jealous of and my ability to rip through a book in what seems like minutes is one of them. I devour books. Always have. I remember being a preteen and sucking the life out of Judy Bloom books merely because I wanted to, not because said book was chosen for a report.

Growing up my mom made sure we always had a ton of books available. I remember being very young and being in the I Can Read book club. The Fire Cat, Danny and the Dinosaur, Julius, Morris the Moose, and Sammy the Seal were in constant rotation. With the availability of cassette recorders, we had a pile of books on tape. Classic fairy tales that came to life with voice and song and the beeps to turn the page. There is a family debate that continues to this day over my dad throwing out all our books when my younger sister and I didn't pick up our room adequately enough. I will admit that I wish my collection from those days were available to me now to share with Bam-Bam.

I tend to read a variety of genres but my favorites lean toward true stories. Lately, as in the last year or so, I've found myself drawn to books on spiritual experiences. Karen Kingsbury, the Danielle Steele of spiritual storytelling, has become my newest vice. I recently finished One Tuesday Morning and again I find myself drawn back to my Bible for guidance.

The Bible has been one book that, although so many people refer to it devoutly, I have never been able to just sit down and read. Over the last year or more, I keep returning to it to find out what all the excitement is about. I was raised Catholic but couldn't quote a passage if there was a gun put to my head. As days pass and the feeling of "something's missing" mounts inside of me, I'm hoping that leaning on the words written so very long ago will give me some level of peace, some kind of comfort to quiet the voice within.

I haven't been going to church (little "c" church) since Bam-Bam came along which means I also haven't been an active Church (big "C" Church) member either. In the early days of his existence, I was too tired, to worn out, too fogged up to get out of bed and make it to the early morning Mass with my family. As the days have ticked by and I've regained some energy, some time in my busy life, I've managed to continue to make excuses for my lack of attendance. Tall Boy has never been a goer either. Maybe his lack of enthusiasm has helped me become lax in action. Not that I'm pointing the finger at anyone other than myself but it is certainly easier when there isn't someone in the house holding you accountable for your choices. I've become one of the Cafeteria Catholics that the new Pope speaks of. I've evolved into a member that probably wouldn't be welcome.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I don't really know how I feel about any of it. I don't see myself as anything other than Catholic and I'm not even considering being anything other than Catholic but I'm definitely not fulfilling my destiny, one of greatness, predetermined for me by God himself.

Maybe that's my problem. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I love being home with Bam-Bam, fulfilling his every need. I love being here with Tall Boy comes home. I love being the one making a home for our family. There was a time in my life when I never would have been able to envision me doing this or doing it well. But I am and I'm thankful for that. But, being here doesn't open me up to opportunities of true greatness. Greatness that has an impact on anyone other than us.

I've returned to searching. Searching for the destiny and how to incorporate it with my current reality. I'm searching the Bible and it doesn't seem to be written there either. I've learned from some friends of mine that I'm not alone in feeling my emptiness but like everything else in life, no one can decide for me what is best for me.

I hate that.

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